Monday, December 16, 2013

Past. Present. Future.


A lot of people are starting to ask me to take down my Facebook cover photo and delete all those photos of me that were more sexually inclined.

As I have posted previously in my would be a NO.


First of all, those are my achievements of my career as a model who made it international besides local...especially as Playboy Bunny and Playboy Model. 

How could I have the heart to delete everything that I have worked soooo hard for past 8 years, that I have to suffer for, for every achievement that have made me known as who I am today. 

Those pictures serve as a story behind the Felixia Yeap now. 

A lesson to be learnt by all.

Also to remind myself why I chose to be covered up.
Why I did a 180 degrees of change.

Deleting them would most likely mean to deny my past, and that would probably spark another issue by people who think I am trying to lie to myself and hide people from the truth of my past.


You could never please them no matter what you do.

I could not please everyone. 

All I could do is be myself, be true to honest, be sincere...learn from the past, and head for a better future.

Whether or not people would be judgemental and sceptical about my actions and decisions.

Besides, even if I have the heart to delete all those pictures from my Facebook...there would still be plenty more in Google and everywhere else in the world. 
What is the next step then?
Ask Google and everyone else who has my photos to delete them as well?

I was (and still am) proud of my achievements in modelling scene...but I was just not happy in the depth of my heart and soul as a person behind the working environment and who it required me to be and what it required me to do.

Thus my decision.


The Felixia Yeap still in the midst of transition...still learning and just starting to berjinak-jinak with muslimah styles and fashion besides trying to understand, learn more and dig deeper about its religion that is giving me more and more peace.

It is not the easiest procedure...but with your understanding of me as a professional model and me personally as my true and most comfortable self...and still being both at the SAME time for now until all my past contracts are over and done with, path will be smoother. 

So...please let me take my time. It took me almost decade to finally decide on wanting and insisting to cover up my aurat and even hair, the moment I put my first picture in Facebook and blog with a Hijab on a few months back, I know I am heading to a better path in life. 
I am regaining my sacrificed dignity (during work) as a respected woman who is not just another pretty face with a hot body.
I found my peace.

I am much happier now and I feel more at peace each time I cover my aurat, and put on my hijab.
I think thats all that matter.


I could not predict the one's future is ever guaranteed...

But I am definitely going to keep wearing hijab and muslimah clothing, since I feel more and more reluctant with exposing my naked skin or hair in public area.

For my modeling career, of course I would very much prefer Muslimah stream of modeling assignments that would cover up my body, and best of all, would let me wear my hijab and be myself...

I would rather get less income than to make myself feeling exploited and unhappy again.
After all...duit tu bukannya boleh cari sampai habis pun, kan?

Janji hati tenang.

So...I am really grateful for all those Muslimah boutiques that are offering me to be their model. 
Thank you so, so, so much.

And I would like to start my own little business to cover up all those modelling jobs which I have rejected due to my preference of not wanting to be sexy and exposed anymore, and also later on, hopefully soon, start my charity projects too.
Everything is still pretty much in planning stage, and I am trying to save up some capital to kick them off. 

Keep reading and checking my blog and Facebook fan page.
InsyaAllah...I would have some good news coming in. =)


Thursday, December 12, 2013

Dilemma in the midst of transition

People are sceptical.




I understand...

I, too, am stuck in two worlds...between being myself at my own free time...and being someone else at work, for work.

I am still doing my modelling jobs. No doubt. 
For this is still the main source of income that I am bringing home to my family in Ipoh.

Of course, I am truly grateful for the good reception and support coming from not just people in my Facebook and my blog followers, and especially from Muslimah boutiques that are opening and offering jobs to help me leave my not so decently dressed modelling gigs.

But, please bear in mind...please understand...I am not in any way trying to make fun or ridicule any religion or race. I am truly sincere.

I want to be veiled and be in my hijabs and baju kurungs more than any of you could imagine.

Yet, some of these upcoming gigs of me in modeling gigs that require me to be more provocatively dressed have been planned since some time ago, and it's already agreed upon on waaaaaay before I post my confessional blog write up about me wearing my hijab previously. a professional model/ is my duty to finish up my work that had been agreed upon before.

I am sorry if I hurt anyone's feeling...and if I let anyone down, because this one time of me trying to be professional to complete an assignment.

Please don't be too quick to judge. 

Please understand first.

Please put yourself in my shoes.

I am too, anticipating and looking forward for better and modest modelling gigs...

...but for this most probably last job dressing up as a Playboy Bunny, I would need to complete it professionally as a model, and Malaysia's first and only official Playboy Bunny.

Thank you, and I appreciate your understanding.

LEFT : Me at work, for work purpose only
RIGHT : My true self when I am not working

Quiet nights (a poem by Felixia)

Quiet nights

When nights are quiet
And lonely
I think, I wander
thoroughly in my mind
Thoughts in a riot
I cry, sadly
like a rainy weather
What would I find?

The path I take
to where it leads?
I ask over and over
is my heart at stake?
in prayers I read
let not it suffer
in pain

- Felixia Yeap -

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The truth behind my hijab.

Yes, I was a Playboy Bunny (and sometimes, every now and then, still get imported out of the country for appearances at Playboy official events and happenings all over the world)...

I posed for Playboy Philippines magazine before (but not naked), which made me the THIRD Malaysian woman ever to be posing for Playboy magazine after beauty queen Jacinta Lee in 1986, and top model Amber Chia in 2006...

....and besides Playboy...I model for car shows in racy race queen outfits...

....appeared front cover and featured in FHMs both local and foreign...

...done shoots in lingerie, bikinis and attires that are not exactly meant to protect my modesty...

...and I think I probably am considered or publicly categorized as one of the "hot and sexy" models in Malaysia...

...but really, all these achievements got me thinking of a woman's worth.

I believe I am more worthy than showing off my body.

I am MORE than this.

And I don't feel proud if any of those attention or fame seeking model wannabes out there look at me as idol or role model.

I don't want you to be blaming me when your career is pretty much done and you feel empty, used, lost and hollow after all those exposures and exploitations.

Honestly speaking...I am doing quite well in managing my modelling career besides having a portfolio that includes international exposures and recognitions...

....but I am slowing down, slowly.

I yearn for more to life than this.

I KNOW there is more to life than this.

And honestly, I had never asked for fame, dramas, marrying some rich guy and brag about wealth and all...


I was really just passionate about posing in front of camera and strutting down the runway.

Yeah...I do admit I like bags, cars and jewelries...but I don't ask for much, and I am never a collector or trend chasing kinda girl...I am happy enough to own one Chanel classic bag that I used years to save up for (which is a vintage, by the way, not brand new)...and that's all...I am sated...any extra Chanel bags would be an extra blessing...

I am happy enough to able to own a car on my own... (which is slowly breaking down, and I am the third hand owner of)...

I am even happy enough to be able to stay in a studio unit of less than 500sqft which I am moving in, soon...

And due to my career as a model...I got used and played by men who only look for fun instead of a wife for marriage...I crumbled times, after times...I picked up myself just to crumble all over again...


Because I was never the one looking for fun when I fall in love, or when I allow myself to fall in love...despite of my image and how I look and how people assume me as.

Because of the way I was always portrayed for work purposes, people assume that I am a party person who drinks, smokes and do casual sex.

Which I strictly DON'T.

I have always been someone who believes in happily-ever-after and that one true love who would be my hero 'til-death-do-us-part-and-beyond, protector, guidance, a great father of my future child, a husband to a beautiful, loving marriage and most importantly, love me enough to take me away from all these nightmares that are repeating themselves...

I was naive...and unfortunately I still am.

And then, I started to look for something deeper...a religion, a God, a better way of living life.

I wanted to cover myself up respected and known for who I am inside...not for how much flesh I am showing outside...

I fell in love with traditional Malay baju kurungs due to the fact that they are really comfortable to wear...and the first time I put on a hijab was when I went for local telco company TVC casting...

...and I looked at myself, and I feel liberated...I feel so happy and protected...I feel safe...

...and it almost made me cry when I looked into the mirror with that very blue little hijab.

I feel special, and deserving.

And then during Hari Raya this year, I was modeling for a Muslimah boutique fashion show...and I was so happy to be able to cover up myself and put on the hijab again...

Then secretly I realized...that I actually longed for it.

As much as I am proud of my modeling portfolio and achievements both local and international...I am also proud that I am insaf, peaceful and more toned down now.

That I am heading towards a better way of living life.

Like every human beings, I like beautiful things in life. 
If a religion could show me the beauty of life and living, why not try to understand it? Why detest it just because a few confused racists and extremists try to twist things around? 
Are they in the religion to begin with?

Are they rightful enough or greater themselves to judge another human being?

Well...unless they are Gods. 
Which...based on how they curse, insult and behave...I wouldn't think so. 
They are the ones who make this religion that I am trying to learn and understand look more beautiful and peaceful.
And...I feel sorry and fear for what their religions have taught them.

Yet, I am also really happy to be able to inspire people, make them analyse themselves and remind them of their least, in the path of trying to learn something good and be a better person, I actually did something good to the society too. 

On the side note, recently I started practising a pescetarian diet and way of eating too...because I want to stop eating meat of other living beings...although I still keep a minimal intake of fish and seafood in my diet.

I guess I feel much better, and more of myself now.

Long gone are those days when I was bleached blonde, always sexy and wild looking, and trying to blend in with the rest of the modeling crowd. That was never really who I am.

That's me running around feeling lost and looking for the wrong people to be with.

Now, if people think I am weird to be a non-Muslim model covering herself up, so be it.

Because in the end of the day, I would be the one answering to the consequences of my life, and not any of those people who can't accept me.

And in the end of the day, I would be the one answering to my God, whichever religion I choose to commit to, by then.

ALSO, DON'T FORGET TO READ MORE : Past. Present. Future

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Berhak untuk dicinta... (puisi)

berhak untuk dicinta...

di saat ku rasa
hilang entah di mana
dibuai kecewa hampa
kau di situ
menjadi petunjuk ku
arah mata angin ku

memberi seribu harapan
yang tak pernah ku rasakan
mungkin atau kesampaian
hadirnya diri mu mencipta
kembali rasa cinta
nikmatnya itu bahagia

ku sedar ku hanya
sekadar insan biasa
disebalik ini semua
namun kau buat ku rasa
diri ku ini berharga
juga berhak untuk dicinta...

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

A Rose (poem)

A Rose

Deep inside me yearns
For something more
A respect yet to be earned
A longing I never had before

I could run, or stay
in this merry-go-round
follow what they say
or stand firm on my ground

Leave, my heart yells
Yet for responsibility, I froze
until I hear wedding bells
I'd be nothing but a pretty stalk of rose